Today was a work day, and a couple days a week Nanna takes the kids so I can attend some work meetings and get things done. I look at the clock and realize they should have been home 30 minutes ago and immediately the next thought I have is that something bad happened to them, there was an accident and I start to feel the anxiety creep into my whole being. I sit in it for a minute and decide its best to just talk it out with my husband. Honour the feeling and let it go.
I let him know of my fears and he said it happens to him too, and then we got into this conversation on fears and I realized my fears are different then his. He said only in these moments does he have fear, and I replied that I have these fears in the best of moments. In the moment when my children are laughing and we are all filled with love for life and for each other. When everything seems too perfect and wonderful, my head goes to this place of what if I lose this, or one of them stealing from me this moment and bringing me into some other place that’s dark and scary. I don’t even want to put those thoughts into words.
I have always felt for a long time there was something wrong with me for having those thoughts, I thought that was from me having anxiety and being a little bit morbid. I thought they were just a part of me. And then, I read Brene Brown’s Daring Greatly book, if you haven’t read it, it is on my 100% everyone must read list. In the book she talks about this exact same thing, and how she thought she was the only one too, and as she researched vulnerability, she found many people had these same thoughts also. And it all has to do with vulnerability. Most of these people were too ashamed or fearful of sharing these dark thoughts that they all felt they were alone in this too. I could try and explain to you the vulnerability angle but I would never do Brene Brown so you should probably just read the book.
Thinking these negative thoughts as not a side effect of anxiety that I am stuck with for life, but instead having it tied to a mindset or thinking process that I can work on is empowering me to do so. It’s amazing what you can teach your mind to do when you put into practice the tools that help you improve your thought patterns and mindset.
If you believe the universe always has your back, which I do, then it’s funny when other things happen to remind you why you are working on things. This is going to be very law of attractiony so if that’s not your thing you can skip the next couple paragraphs. I was listening to another book which I can’t find the title too and in the book it talked about manifesting works negatively, and how if I think too long and too often about something bad happening it will happen. This is the law of attraction.
It actually talked about how a mother can make her child sick by repeatedly putting that thought into the world. I realised if I believed in the positive power of the universe I needed to put energy into making sure I don’t somehow invite the negative into my reality. This just solidified my will to make sure I eradicate these thought processes from my mind.
I will no longer allow my own mind to steal from me happy moments, I will no longer allow my mind to find worst case scenarios just because it can. I will be writing a couple affirmations for myself so I can make sure to have a quick and easy replacement of the thoughts, I will speak them to myself until the moment passes, and all the good fills me back up inside, till I am ready to laugh and play with the world.
This is my life and only I (the conscious I) get to decide how I live it!